14 Proven Ways to Alienate Your Staff

Philip Manzano • Nov 11, 2016

Your staff seem too happy. A little alienation will put them right back where you want them. We’ve got 14 surefire ways to get you started. The post 14 Proven Ways to Alienate Your Staff appeared first on Keela.

If you are looking for some sure-fire ways to alienate your staff you are in the right place! Maybe your team members seem too comfortable, or heaven forbid, HAPPY! Enough of this madness. They must be stopped. Here are some tips that will quickly get your team back to inane water cooler gossip, disgruntled conversations with their loved ones, and looking for other jobs. 

Now if you want to do this right, it’s good to break the process down completely. You start from the beginning. You must first understand what alienation means. 

Dictionary.com

For the purposes of this exercise in alienation, we’re going to do with definition number one. The steps to alienation are simple. We’ve got a lot of them, so mix and match as you please. The more of these that you combine the more complete the alienation process. So read carefully and you’ll be on your way to reach you goals:

1. Assign more work than humanly possible (and make them feel guilty for not getting it all done)!

2. Keep quiet about how your organization is doing. Your employees aren’t interested anyway. The long term is boring to them.

3. Schedule MORE meetings . Even better, schedule a meeting about an upcoming meeting. 

4. You know how you can take fun and make it alienating? By making it mandatory! Schedule as many after-hours mandatory “fun” outings as you can .

5. Need input on something? Ask your hairdresser, not your employees! The last thing they want to do is tell you about their experiences and concerns. Everyone likes surprises!

6. Keep all staff members in the same positions with no sign of change. Promotions are for the weak. You want to work your employees long and hard in the exact same role until they eventually break.

7. Go goal-free. Your employees should have no personal development goals and especially no team-wide targets. Sure, if you can even start veering from your organizational goals that will really set you up for success!

8. Keep costs low by paying below market standards . Employees love being paid less than others doing the exact same thing.

9. Save time by ignoring emails from your team . Leave those emails in your inbox. Don’t even open them. No response necessary.

10. Only acknowledge mistakes . Mistakes are much more significant than successes anyway. Call out a mistake no matter how big or small. Also, keep bringing up past mistakes whenever possible. The key is to humiliate these people into submission. 

11. When something goes wrong, ensure that all blame falls squarely on your team . Definitely do not re-evaluate whether or not the processes you put in place are indeed effective.

12. Forget names . Who has time for that? Even when you remember a name, pretend you forget it.

13. Call and email on evenings, weekends and holidays . Throw in a few text messages as well to show urgency. We all know they have their phones.

14. Never show weakness and admit you were wrong. Ever. 

You are only just getting started. Check out these resources to help you flourish as an employee alienator:

You are now on your way to single-handedly destroying all team morale and potential. Well done! We’re glad we could help. 

Sound familiar? Share some alienating workplace experiences you’ve witnessed in the comments below! We love hearing from you! 

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The post 14 Proven Ways to Alienate Your Staff appeared first on Keela.